Accelerator

Wanted to be a rock star — wanted to be something more than I am — was. And now here I am — wastin away — livin in an empty room with crap brown carpet — sittin in a puke green lawn chair with just my MP3 player keepin me company. Sold the rest — sold all of it — cause I don’t need it no more — not where I’m goin — don’t need nothin else. Feel the music surround me — vibratin through the floor, the walls — everything. Arms and legs feel like lead, and I can’t barely feel em no more. Old fart downstairs keeps hittin his ceiling with his broom. Feel that too, like I care. Beer at my feet — tryin hard not to knock it over — but the shakes’re bad — gettin worse every day now. Knees bangin together. Jaw tense — keepin my teeth from shatterin. Hearin’s long gone — echoes of wind whippin in my ears. Half blind, too — eyes lined with grit and dust. Know what it means — my life — what’s left of it — a curse — a blessin — both — maybe neither. Must be just shit that happens and then — yeah, I know the rest —

  ∞

The Mobil. I can’t believe I let Molly talk me into this. The fluorescent glare from the awning’s enough to freak me out. She grabs my arm, yankin. “Cmon, Johnny baby, I need it bad. Ya promised.”

I know what I said, not that my word means anything to anyone. Last car leaves the station. Just the clerk. Piece of cake. Molly grabs my hand — pulls — I yank her dumb ass back into the shadows. “You stupid?” I pull her mask over her face, and then push her out of the bushes where we’re hiding. I follow the dumb bitch, shakin my head. Can’t believe she talked me into this.

Pull the .32 outta my pocket, head for the door, and push her inside. The clerk don’t know what to think. Arms go up and he’s freaked when I wave the barrel his way, but I don’t care about him yet. POP! One shot to the camera and it’s fizzin toast. “Got another — ” I pause, lookin at the tag on his red vest — “Bob?” He shakes his head. Bob knows he’s screwed if he gives me trouble now. I move closer to him. “The Cash.” I don’t take my eyes off him while Mo’s baggin as much as she can. Beer. Munchies. She better be gettin the good shit. And Bob’s workin hard to get us gone.

He freezes up when a car pulls into the station. I take my eyes off him for a second to check it. Sleek. Quicksilver. Jaguar leapin off the hood — the guy’s loaded. Look back at Bob. Panic in his eyes. Knows he won’t make it if things go bad. I smile at him. “Keep quiet and you’ll live.”

I see his mouth gape and my finger moves on impulse. “Just don — ” POP! Bob goes down hard and I gotta round the counter to get the money he dropped.

“Told you to keep quiet.” I grab the cash and stow it. “Mo, we got company!”

“I’m done!”

I yank the mask up — looks stupid, like a beanie, but it don’t matter — don’t want the guy to see it down. I look out the window to see what he’s doing. Did he hear? It don’t look like it, but he ain’t comin in. Probably got one of those Speedpass things — shit. He’s in a full service stall. Looks my way. Motions. “Mo, I gotta get out there.” I leave the .32 on the counter and head outside. “Yeah, coming, man.” I get a look at him now — goddamn he’s slick. He’s got a case cuffed to one wrist. I do what I gotta to get this guy gone. Pump gas. Wipe windows. Kiss ass. Whatever. But the guy’s fishy. A stone-faced G-man. Done. I look at him, all smiles. “That it, man?”

“What’s that on your shirt?”

“Wha?” Look down, see speckles of red. Shit. “Oh, hey, just ketchup, interrupted dinner, ya know.”

Guy grabs the mask off my head, sees the holes. “Right.” He gets me by the neck. Slams me down on the hood and pins me. Goes for his phone. I’m toast — know it. POP! And the silver hood’s sprayed red. The guy goes down and I look. Half his face’s just minced-meat pie.

Mo’s in the doorway, smoking gun in her hand. “Gotta book it, J baby!” She runs over and looks down. “Oh. Wow. Shit.” Lickin her lips, she drops the shopping bags at my feet and runs back inside. She’s back in a second with a big ol fire ax in her hand. She slams it down on the guy’s wrist — same time she’s grinnin like a maniac. I grab the case, she grabs the bags, and we’re down the road, but not before blowin holes in the gas tank of the Jag. Shame, but when the station goes up in a shroom, the evidence drifts away like so much smoke. There won’t be anything left by morning, and the cops won’t care enough to look any deeper than their jelly-rolling bellies’ll let them.

Don’t know if it’s the first time Molly’s popped a guy — just know she’s got the blood lust bad. All over me the whole way home. She can’t wait til we’re upstairs before she’s got me between her legs. Best lay that little piece of white trash’s ever given. Just know it’s the last job I’ll ever do with her. Can’t trust the bitch knowin she gets wet from killing.

  ∞

First hit was the worst — can still remember it. Hit me like nothin else. But I’d touched somethin nobody’d ever touched before. Was it worth it? Scared the shit outta me — what I’d seen, but — damn — that’s where I wanna be. No matter what it costs, it’s worth it. My body’d probly disagree. Wastin away — can’t be helped. Felt it the first time. Couldn’t dream of never feelin it again. Course I kept usin. Speed — like — like the road to heaven — can’t stop now — not when I’m so close —

  ∞

It took a couple of days, but I finally get the case open. Molly’s not around, but that’s actually a good thing. I don’t want her seein this — what ever this is. Looks sweet surrounded in foam, shiny gold and bronze in the light. Front looks like it’s on hydraulics, like one of those fancy watches. But what’s the deal? Why the G-man and cuffs? Don’t know. Wanna know. And there’re little vials of green juice lined up in foam holes under the thing — looks like nasty shit. I close the case and try and forget it by watchin TikTok. I’m jumpy, like I need a fix. Can’t even focus. My mind’s somewhere else. I’m seein green — green and gold. Shit!

It’s only a few minutes later and I’m back lookin at it. I reach out, and my hand’s shakin like I’m tense or nervous, but I finally pick it up — taken the next step. Turn it around over and over and get a good look at it now. It is a watch, a really expensive one. It must be with that G-man hooked to it. It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen, and I could probably hock it for a good bit of cash — maybe. I gotta know what it does first — test it out. I strap it around my wrist, but nothing happens. Press the button on the front, the face plate glides open. Slick! It looks like it’s out of juice, but maybe those vials are some new kind of battery. The military always gets better shit than the rest of us. Could be a prototype — could get a drop on the patent and make a cool mill.

It looks like the vials of juice go in where the little button would be to change settings. Slip one in. Nothing happens — must be busted — or it’s already on. I press the little button below it — and then it bites into me. Slivers of blood drip out from under the thing where it pierced me. It’s in me — like a needle. Try and pull it off, but it hurts like a sonuvabitch. It’s on and ain’t comin off without a fight. I don’t fight, just watch it come alive. There’re two displays. Numbers start readin out on the little rectangular one, while a line of indigo spirals down to the center on the circular one. I start messin with it — wanna see what it does. Press the little green vial down and wish I hadn’t. The level of juice drains a little — got an idea of where it’s going, hooked to my veins — but then it don’t matter because everything just becomes — fine.

God, it’s great! The best I’ve ever felt! Look around and everything moves in blur. Disoriented for a sec. Try to head for the kitchen. One step — two — BAM! Just walked into the wall — turn — the wall of my kitchen — but I was half way across the house. I know I’m smilin. Goddamn, this shit’s great! Walk to the front door — hit it in three steps, but my hand gets bruised up bad. Try again — get to the door of the kitchen and something’s wrong. Like I’m crashin — everything slows down fast — makes me sick. I’m on my knees — on all fours, pukin my guts out. Every muscle feels cramped.

That’s how Molly finds me — don’t know how many hours later.

  ∞

There I am — where I wanna be — on open road with nothin holdin me back but the little destiny clock countin down. Wastin away just sittin here. One more vial — all I got left. Never dosed so much at once before. Just one more hit — gotta make it count — need it bad — gotta make it last this time — gotta make it last so I can get there —

  ∞

Still haven’t been able to get it off me, but I can control it now — know how to use it. Longer I press the vial, more juice I get — lasts longer. I can really blaze now. Last few times’ve been real good. Haven’t crashed hard — never like the first time. I was held up in bed for a week cause my muscles didn’t adjust so easily. Tried it a coupla times after that — little doses. Molly had to know what was goin on — shouldn’t’ve told her. Got some crazy ideas — wanted to have a little fun — thought she’d get a thrill if she juiced me up while we screwed.

Wasn’t a good idea. Told her so. Did it anyway. If she’d listened, she’d probly still be around. Got me juiced right in the middle — tore into her. Probly had a helluva buckin ride til she bled out all over my bedspread. Don’t know — wasn’t there til the next mornin after comin down — I was real sore, but didn’t notice til I got home later that day that she was still in bed — pale and stiff.

Things’re better now. Make sure nobody knows — better that way. Somebody might try to hack my hand off.

Been testin the limits — tearin cross the ocean. Brief stop in Hawaii — long enough til I feel alright to juice back up. Always wanted to go to Japan. Nice — but too small. Out run a coupla bullet trains. Asia’s nice, too — that is — what I see as I pass it by. Gotta slow down in the desert — movin on to Europe. Heat don’t work well with the juice — air’s too dry — and the heat — too damn much of a shock to the system.

Back home, and I don’t know how much time’s gone by. Not much — coupla hours — check my numbers on the watch — my life line. Started out with forty-six years — amount of my life I had left before usin. It’s much lower now — but don’t know what else to do. Can’t take it off — and even if I could, would I want to? Hell no. Havin way too much fun. Damn — so this is what addiction’s like — shoulda tried some stuff before this — but don’t dare now. No idea how the juice might react with anything else. Probably kill me. Might make me really blaze. Nah. Can’t go faster than I’ve gone.

Been round the world a coupla times. Been every place I wanted to go. Wanna go to that place I ain’t been able to reach. Every time I speed, I see it — an image that overlaps the world. I know it’s paradise — if I can just go fast enough, I can reach it. But people aren’t made to go as fast as I’ve gone. I’ve outrun jets at Mach four. But they’re protected. I’m feelin the effects — my body’s breakin down. Sue that sonovabitch G-man if he weren’t already dead. Muscles can’t take much more of this. And I need the juice now. It’s the only thing — more important than air.

  ∞

This is it — the last vile of juice — loaded in. Crawled on hands and knees out to the sidewalk cause I can’t stand up without the juice. There’s an acid taste in my mouth — can’t seem to get rid of it — the taste of paradise. Be there soon. Just wait. So close — s-o-o close. Hold the vial — juice goes down. Feel it in me — blood — hits my heart with a jolt and I get slowly to my feet. Don’t wanna waste too much just on this, but I can’t wait no more! NOW!

Goin faster than I’ve ever gone. Wind’s tearin into me — feelin like a concrete shower as I juice up to Mach — whatever — don’t care. I see it — almost in my grasp. Reach out for the prize of paradise. Watch the skin shred away — see my bone white fingers. Know it’s happenin to my entire body — my finger bones shatter. It’s comin fast — lot faster than expected. If I’d known it would’ve been this easy to reach paradise, I’d’ve done it sooner.

  ∞

Blazin — very fast — ever faster now. Body’s long gone — behind me — just the will of my soul travelin through infinite space keeps me goin. A little faster — a little further — I’ll get there.